Nowhere To Go

I wanted to reach some sort of resolution of the quandary I've been in before I posted anything again, but here I am, still stuck in the same rut. Everyone else has "moved on" from the confirmation of Mukasey as AG, and I have too, in a way. I just don't particularly like where I've moved on to.

The vote, if you recall, was 53-40, and it takes 41 to block the vote. That means that any single one of the presidential candidates could have arrived on the scene and made like Mr. Smith goes to Washington, blocking the vote, filibustering if necessary, and saving Congress and the Department of Justice from approving a man who refused to condemn torture. It might have been Clinton, Obama, Biden, Dodd, or even McCain. But no one showed. Personally, I haven't been able to shake the idea that, for such a thing to happen, every member of Congress must be corrupt. So, I've backed away from involvement with Barack Obama's presidential campaign, and backed away from politics in general. Maybe there's some notion in my head that, if I don't tie in with the politicians, I can retain my sense of honor, but I'm not sure if that really holds up. In any event, I'm not much inclined to be enthusiastic about the campaigns now. I watched the CNN debate last week, and thought it was pretty obscene, for the most part. That's been hashed and rehashed, so I won't go through it here. I guess I've spent enough time talking about my Quixotic quest for something really noble to happen, too. There's precious little tolerance for anything truly noble in Washington, after all. They'd much rather be waterboarding.

So, where to? I'm not sure, actually. Definitely, things have changed for me. Am I an anarchist now? Well, I don't know about that, but I'm pretty disillusioned. I think my natural tendency is toward the naive and innocent, and I'm perpetually crestfallen when the real world turns out very differently. You have to admit this is a pretty extreme case, though. Yeah, we torture, so what? Let's move on.

I can still meditate, and I'm trying to work with koans. If you've never heard of a koan, here's a little background. There are generally considered to be two schools of Zen, one called Soto and the other called Rinzai. Normally, I adhere to the Soto school of thought, with an emphasis just on sitting zazen, or some similar activity. The Rinzai method often includes the study of koans. In reality, there is no great divide between the two schools. My favorite Zen master, Shunryu Suzuki, refers most frequently to Dogen among the old masters, but Dogen frequently used koans. The "knock" on koans, if there really is one, is that, although they can yield profound insight in a relatively shorter time than pure zazen, it's possible to master many koans without necessarily achieving some of the deeper effects that might lead to becoming a more mature and compassionate individual. In other words, a koan may sometimes act as a shortcut to insight, but with all the drawbacks shortcuts usually entail.

My very superficial comparison hardly does justice to koan study, which can be every bit as rigorous as pure zazen sitting, and have just as profound an effect on the personality. Real koan study involves many hundreds of koans requiring a lifetime to master, but my comparison does contain a grain of truth. Even so, I think it's useful for me to strive for a little extra insight right now, so I'm studying the classic koan known as Mu. The word Mu is Japanese for what may have been Wu in the original Chinese, and translates loosely into No, or perhaps Nothing. It was the response master Joshu gave when asked if a dog has the Buddha nature. In studying this koan, the point is just to focus on Joshu's response until Mu is fully understood. If that sounds like nonsense, that's because it is. Other koans, such as "what is the sound of one hand clapping", or "what is your original face before you were born" are just as nonsensical from the everyday point of view. A koan is unique in that it expresses a spirit that is uniquely Zen, and it's that spirit that the student is tasked to revitalize within his or her own spirit, in such a way that a Zen master might explore the student's understanding of Mu, or the sound of one hand, until the master is sure that the student has fully understood the koan. That understanding can only be gained by a dedicated, whole-hearted effort by the student. It might take months, or it might take years. I have tried to come to terms with Mu for about 34 years, albeit mostly as a dilettante. Now, I'm in the position to make a concerted effort, so here goes.

Perhaps I'm switching to koan study out of my deep frustration with everything that's going on, but it's just an experiment of sorts. In all likelihood, I'll switch back to the more even-keeled approach of Soto Zen before long. Koans have the potential to get you all worked up, partly because they don't make any rational sense no matter how you look at them. The fact that they do make sense, in a distinctly Zen way, can be even more maddening as the frustration builds.

For either method, the three pillars of Zen still provide the necessary support: great faith, great doubt, and great determination. I think I've always had faith, whether it's great or not, I suppose remains to be seen. Everything that's happened recently adds to a great sense of doubt, and I'm in a position right now to doubt most everything. That leaves great determination. I'm still working on that one.